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EDIT: had something come up, changing day to Sunday 5 July, same time
Hi everyone,
I'm having a garage sale this coming weekend, moving house and got a bunch of stuff that needs to go. Will be a broad assortment of items, with a large array of computer and tech (mostly older stuff).
… View moreEDIT: had something come up, changing day to Sunday 5 July, same time
Hi everyone,
I'm having a garage sale this coming weekend, moving house and got a bunch of stuff that needs to go. Will be a broad assortment of items, with a large array of computer and tech (mostly older stuff).
Where:
70 Durham Crescent
Fairfield
Lower Hutt 5011
When:
Sunday
9am
5 August
Items for sale:
- some furniture items
- 4:3 ratio Monitors (I have about 30 of these I was using for projects but no longer required)
- Keyboards and other PC peripherals
- Laptops and PCs (not all working)
Still going through everything, so never know what else is gunna end up in the sale.
A very interesting read from the Gottman Institue. The link below : )
What’s the point of marriage?
No, really, this is a serious question. What’s the point? If you don’t have a goal, objective, or specific outcome in mind, or if you don’t know what you and your partner’s needs are … View moreA very interesting read from the Gottman Institue. The link below : )
What’s the point of marriage?
No, really, this is a serious question. What’s the point? If you don’t have a goal, objective, or specific outcome in mind, or if you don’t know what you and your partner’s needs are and how best to fulfill them, how can you know whether or not you’re being successful in your partnership?
Having the wrong goals or “point” to your marriage can leave you feeling frustrated, alone, or even reeling in confusion or anger. Speaking of anger (this will all tie together, so stay with me here), I saw a quote on social media the other day that got me really upset:
“You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn’t complicate your life. Somebody who won’t hurt you.”
This quote got me riled up because this is the kind of hogwash cooked up by a social media manager in desperate need of some validating “likes.” It can destroy relationships because it is offering an ineffective platitude that people will take as serious advice.
Is unending happiness the goal? Sounds boring.
So, here’s another honest question: since when did the pinnacle of relationship achievement become existing in a constant, unchanging state of happiness, simplicity, and total safety? When did the fantasy of “and they lived happily ever after“ stop being the end of a storybook for kids and turn into literal #lifegoals?
I don’t remember “providing your partner with an endless supply of happiness” being in the details for me or my wife when we signed up for this marriage thing. Social psychologist Eli Finkel argues in his book, The All or Nothing Marriage, how, in today’s world, couples expect more and more of each other. We rely on each other for many aspects of socialization and support that, prior to the 20th century, many people found outside of their marriages.
Don’t get me wrong, I think happiness is great. It’s necessary in all aspects of life, and especially in a relationship. But it’s also a fluid emotion that comes and goes based on how your stomach reacts to the burrito you ate for lunch today, your coworker’s irritable habits, what’s happening in the White House this week, if your baseball team wins or loses, or who lives or dies on Game of Thrones.
Happiness is not a strong, stable foundation upon which to build lasting, committed love. It is simply too unstable, fleeting, and constantly in flux, and the ways in which we achieve happiness changes as we change over time.
Honestly, sustained and immutable happiness is arguably the most ineffective goal you could set for your relationship because it’s not possible to achieve. The reality of happiness, just like any other emotion, is that it comes and goes, just like the in-laws during the holidays, 80’s fashion, or stomach cramps.
Well, today it’s time to bust out another cold, hard truth:
The point of marriage is not happiness. The point of marriage is growth.
The Human Growth Machine
The key to becoming a truly successful couple is to take action and expand your comfort zone. Marriage is what Dr. David Schnarch, author of the book Passionate Marriage, calls a “Human Growth Machine.” And Finkel also posits that, in our world, “a new kind of marriage has emerged, one that can promote self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth like never before.” I love the idea of having a growth-centered marriage. That is something I can achieve, and it feels satisfying to grow and improve. It is a tangible goal.
Regarding goals: in the last few years, I started doing something I never thought I’d do. I lift weights.
I used to be a slender little guy. I once dropped a girl when I was country dancing and was so embarrassed by my weak muscles that I never went back. Then I hit the gym. I remember when I first started lifting, I squatted 225 pounds and my coach was like, “Dude, Nate! That’s awesome!”
I was so proud of myself! So, I kept at it.
A few years later, after grinding away at the gym every week, I now squat around 345 pounds. Big improvement, right? And every time I add another pound, I feel like a champion because growth is satisfying and progress feels amazing.
How to keep your marriage strong for the long run
Now I apply the principles I used in the weight room to my marriage. For example, I used to get anxious when my wife was feeling sad or stressed. And I used to snap at her if I felt attacked or threatened. For over a year I’ve been working to improve myself in this area. I practice self-soothing, taking deep breaths, and thinking before I speak, and giving my wife the benefit of the doubt and trying to understand her perspective when I feel hurt.
I’m definitely not perfect (a little secret: nobody is!), but I’m getting better at managing conflict between us and using it as an opportunity for understanding and growth. I’m less stressed out when she is. I snap at her less. My wife even smiles compassionately at me when she sees me taking deep breaths, or using the plans we’ve put in place to help us fight better and love smarter.
She’s commented that I’m improving, and because of that, we’re improving as a couple. But, like working out, it’s not easy, and especially not at first. It stretches your comfort zone. It pushes you to your limits. It expands your capacities as a human being. And this painful stretching and expanding and growing means that, sometimes, your partner and your marriage will not make you happy.
Honestly, marriage is a challenge. And it’s a good one because marriage reveals your limitations and exposes your weaknesses, flaws, and vulnerabilities. Marriage makes you painfully aware of how impatient you might be, of your struggles to say “no” to things that aren’t important and “yes” to things that are, and of how challenging it is to navigate your differences when you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, or simply hangry.
Marriage challenges you to deal with sickness, tragedy, financial stresses, changes in faith or beliefs, job loss, weight gain, raising kids, losing parents and other family members, and you have to do it all while supporting and satisfying another emotional human being!
You can’t tackle this stuff and come out on the other side still in love with each other by remaining the exact same people you were when you started. You can’t go through all of that together while remaining in perpetual bliss. You have to constantly grow and evolve into the version of you that’s capable of facing and overcoming the unique challenges that life throws at you at any given moment.
That dynamic won’t feel like perfection, but that’s actually what you want. In fact, Dr. John Gottman argues strongly in favor of a good enough marriage when he states that today, couples “expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal. This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict is healthy because it leads to greater understanding.”
You will be confronted with uncomfortable truths throughout your marriage. It might be about sex, or money, or time spent together, or parenting, or all of that. Things won’t always work out how you plan them, and plans may need to change if you’re going to have the relationship you want.
Having someone challenge you to expand and grow can make things feel worse before they get better. It may even put the relationship on the line if you or your partner refuse to confront your own flaws, or if you won’t take responsibility when things go wrong. If the Four Horsemen come charging into the dynamic, then you might be doomed if you don’t find ways to fight them off.
But this is what love is really about. It is not always about always pleasing your partner, or always being pleased yourself. Instead, it is about supporting your partner.
Pleasing your partner means you make sure they are happy and comfortable and worry-free, and there will be times you must do that. But if that’s your primary goal, it might cause you to be overly agreeable and be accommodating even when your partner is being unkind or hurtful. And we all make those mistakes, but pleasing your partner also means shielding your partner from anything that could make them feel challenged or uncomfortable.
Like the uncomfortable experience of growth.
Supporting your partner means you have their best interests at heart and you intentionally act to uphold and achieve those interests. It means you stand by their side, you help them, you have their back, and sometimes it means you engage in conflict with difficult truths and regrettable incidents. True partners dedicate themselves to the person they love and to the bond they share, even when those acts of dedication might be temporarily painful due to the positive growth it causes.
Dedication to that positive growth forces you to identify and open up about your weaknesses, insecurities, and fears is exactly what leads to the periods of happiness, trust, connection, passion, and commitment.
Is that the kind of love you want? Or are you willing to settle for less?
Matariki, the Māori New Year, is an important festival that is both the name of the Pleiades star cluster and also a marker of the beginning of the new year. We have been celebrating this awesome event through our group time at playgroup and music group.
As we did our weaving with natural … View moreMatariki, the Māori New Year, is an important festival that is both the name of the Pleiades star cluster and also a marker of the beginning of the new year. We have been celebrating this awesome event through our group time at playgroup and music group.
As we did our weaving with natural materials, we talked about the role that the stars play and how they can be used to tell us when to harvest our crops. We talked about if the stars were bright next seasons crops would be plentiful because it would be warmer.
As tamariki worked with their own creations, we were able to talk about Matariki. We shared the lovely wisdom of this celebration and what this was about – how Matariki means the eyes of God and by flying kites/pākau. Flying kites was seen as a way for them to reach out to the Gods.
We talked about the cluster of stars and the celebrations in the community for Māori New Year as the tamariki manipulated their ow created star mobiles while other had fun with black starry playdough.
Hi Neighbours, Help us celebrate 39 years of suppling quality lighting. From 1st August to the 1st of September we are having our Annual Birthday Sale, and everything is discounted. There are in-store specials, and lots of “Super-Specials”. Even custom mades and orders are discounted. We would … View moreHi Neighbours, Help us celebrate 39 years of suppling quality lighting. From 1st August to the 1st of September we are having our Annual Birthday Sale, and everything is discounted. There are in-store specials, and lots of “Super-Specials”. Even custom mades and orders are discounted. We would love to catch up with you. Come and see us at 3 Rutherford St, Lower Hutt.
Shady Lady Lighting are the Lighting experts you need to see. Our showroom is a treasure trove, packed with lighting for homes of all types. We have NZ’s biggest collection of Reproduction and Traditional lighting, and an extensive range of modern and contemporary fittings. As a Neighbourly Birthday special EVERYTHING is 20 - 70% off
Wed 1st Aug – Sat 1st Sept, Monday - Friday 9-5, Saturday 9.30-4.
📒 Yellow pages will be delivered to every house in the Wellington region soon! If you throw it straight into recycling or never use it (because the internet has been invented!) why not opt-out now and save paper! You’ve got till the 28th August to opt-out & takes about 20 seconds to do on … View more📒 Yellow pages will be delivered to every house in the Wellington region soon! If you throw it straight into recycling or never use it (because the internet has been invented!) why not opt-out now and save paper! You’ve got till the 28th August to opt-out & takes about 20 seconds to do on the link below. ypgbooks.co.nz...
We’ve had some great feedback and suggestions already from the community on the draft Te Kāuru Upper Ruamāhanga Floodplain Management Plan.
Have your say on the draft plan now
We’re really glad Upper Hutt’s Cannon Point Walkway is now open. This is one of Upper Hutt’s most popular bush tracks, starting from Tulsa Park in Totara Park and heading up the hill via the zig- zag to the trig. It’s also one of the main walking access routes into Akatarawa Forest so … View moreWe’re really glad Upper Hutt’s Cannon Point Walkway is now open. This is one of Upper Hutt’s most popular bush tracks, starting from Tulsa Park in Totara Park and heading up the hill via the zig- zag to the trig. It’s also one of the main walking access routes into Akatarawa Forest so respect all signage as some of the walk is on private land.
No dogs are allowed due to farming and people should also watch out for vehicles, logging trucks and mountain bikers, although with 15,000 hectares in this park there is plenty of room for everyone.
Discover more about your whānau and ancestors during Family History Month at Hutt City Libraries!
August is full of workshops and sessions to help you uncover your family tree. For more information visit library.huttcity.govt.nz...
Did you know you can access Findmypast, Ancestry.com, and … View moreDiscover more about your whānau and ancestors during Family History Month at Hutt City Libraries!
August is full of workshops and sessions to help you uncover your family tree. For more information visit library.huttcity.govt.nz...
Did you know you can access Findmypast, Ancestry.com, and the British Newspaper Archive for FREE at any of our eight libraries? Visit our eResources (library.huttcity.govt.nz...) or have a chat to library staff to get started using these resources.
Students are no longer able to hold or shoot army guns at school under new government guidelines. The move comes after much public debate on the appropriateness of firearms being brought into schools, including when soldiers taught children as young as nine how to assemble and shoot assault rifles … View moreStudents are no longer able to hold or shoot army guns at school under new government guidelines. The move comes after much public debate on the appropriateness of firearms being brought into schools, including when soldiers taught children as young as nine how to assemble and shoot assault rifles at a leadership exercise in Palmerston North last year. However students can still use firearms as part of shooting clubs and competitions. Click here to read the full article and guidelines.
So what do you think of the new rules? Are you for or against them?
EDIT: had something come up, changing day to Sunday 5 July, same time
Hi everyone,
I'm having a garage sale this coming weekend, moving house and got a bunch of stuff that needs to go. Will be a broad assortment of items, with a large array of computer and tech (mostly older stuff).
… View moreEDIT: had something come up, changing day to Sunday 5 July, same time
Hi everyone,
I'm having a garage sale this coming weekend, moving house and got a bunch of stuff that needs to go. Will be a broad assortment of items, with a large array of computer and tech (mostly older stuff).
Where:
70 Durham Crescent
Fairfield
Lower Hutt 5011
When:
Sunday+
9am
4 August
Items for sale:
- some furniture items
- 4:3 ratio Monitors (I have about 30 of these I was using for projects but no longer required)
- Keyboards and other PC peripherals
- Laptops and PCs (not all working)
Still going through everything, so never know what else is gunna end up in the sale.
Spend time working on your stories, poetry, script, non-fic, and get handy tips, which will inspire you to finish your writing!
FREE. Ages 13 – 21 welcome. Starts 10 August, War Memorial Library, 4:30pm-6pm.
Each session you’ll get time to write and meet local authors, publishers, … View moreSpend time working on your stories, poetry, script, non-fic, and get handy tips, which will inspire you to finish your writing!
FREE. Ages 13 – 21 welcome. Starts 10 August, War Memorial Library, 4:30pm-6pm.
Each session you’ll get time to write and meet local authors, publishers, scriptwriters, lyricists and poets, who can answer your questions about how to get published!
Coming up for the first two sessions we have:
Friday 10 August - Rose Duxfield
Rose is a singer, songwriter and musical comedian who’s been writing songs and stories for as long as she can remember. She’s been performing as a singer/songwriter since 2007, has written three musicals and was a semi-finalist in the 2018 Wellington RAW Comedy Quest. You can find more of her work troubadette.net... or just come meet her at our first Creative Writing for Youth workshop!
Friday 17 August - Rudy Castañeda López
Rudy Castañeda López is a celebrated artist and writer that grew up in Whittier, California, USA and moved to New Zealand in 1986. He’s taught in secondary and tertiary art education in various placements around New Zealand up until 2014. He has two published novels, The Song of Laughing Bird (National Pacific Press, 2005) and Open Your Eyes, Jackson Ryder (Escalator Press, 2015). López’s short story Life Class earned him the Honour Award in the New Zealand Writing School Short Story Competition in 2013. Since 2014, López has been focussing on writing full-time.
My husband hurt his back and cant finish off digging out the rest of the holes for a deck extension. So we need someone with a spare time during the week to finish off what he started (about 8-9 holes).
Neg $$$$
Please no time wasters and need someone fit and reliable.
Ring/text 021 695 737
Has inner sprung mattress & base. In good used condition. From Wellington Beds - "twilight" model. Has always had a mattress protector on.
Discover the science behind everyday food with us in August!
Find out how smell and even sound can manipulate our eating experience with Maxine Scheckter, learn how to compost your food scraps instead of sending them to the landfill, discover why bees are so important to us, hear about the … View moreDiscover the science behind everyday food with us in August!
Find out how smell and even sound can manipulate our eating experience with Maxine Scheckter, learn how to compost your food scraps instead of sending them to the landfill, discover why bees are so important to us, hear about the basics of brewing, and lots more!
For the full list of events see library.huttcity.govt.nz...
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