If you're hurting, the world stops and I listen

Ann from Relationship Wellbeing Specialist

One of The Four Horsemen is defensiveness, which is an attempt to ward off a perceived attack.

“It’s not my fault that we’re always late.”

When we feel accused unjustly, we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy isn't very effective.

That's because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Instead, take responsibility for your words or actions that upset your partner. This opens the door to repair and reconnection.

“Well, you’re right. Part of this is my fault – I need to do a better job managing my time.”

Couples who are successful adopt the motto that, "If you’re hurting, the world stops and I listen. I’m with you."