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As a couples therapist, “We came in before there was a real problem” is music to my ears.
This very wise couple doesn’t wait until a crisis hits. No one is flirting with a coworker. Vicious, repetitive arguments aren’t heard late at night. Or worse, silence hasn’t crept into their … View moreAs a couples therapist, “We came in before there was a real problem” is music to my ears.
This very wise couple doesn’t wait until a crisis hits. No one is flirting with a coworker. Vicious, repetitive arguments aren’t heard late at night. Or worse, silence hasn’t crept into their marriage.
If only this couple were the norm.
Many couples don’t do maintenance on their relationship. Instead, they’re inundated with normal distractions – work stress, piles of laundry, figuring out how to make the car run for one more year, helping the kids with math homework.
The list goes on and on. The erosion of their relationship occurs slowly and steadily over time.
Problematic patterns may begin to entrench in the relationship, as when heavy rains run down a hill, and create deep furrows in the soil. When it rains again, the water will travel exactly where those gashes have worn themselves into the dirt.
Behavior and communication between two people work in the same way. When there’s a blowout argument, both people can find themselves saying and doing exactly what they said and did before – not even recognizing the destructive pattern.
“I don’t know why I can’t stop myself, but I say the same hurtful things I’ve said before. And then some.”
“I know if I walk away, she’ll get mad, but I do it anyway. I don’t know what else to do.”
This is a problem. When trust is damaged, when you’re not sure you even like your partner anymore, when words have been spoken that are difficult to forget, it can feel like it’s too late. You can give yourself permission, out of hurt or anger, to turn away emotionally. Detachment begins, and you imagine a fresh start, a new relationship, before you’ve even attempted to fix what’s wrong with the one you’re in.
Prevention over intervention
But how about the couple that comes in before those patterns begin their ominous downward spiral? What are they doing that’s different?
First, they are likely two people who take their fair share of the responsibility for the patterns they’ve created.
Second, they’re doing maintenance. They realize they just might be able to stop the rain before it begins. These couples are smart because according to the research, prevention is 3x more effective than intervention.
Much of the time, couples aren’t this proactive. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that the average couple waits six years before seeking help with their marital problems. What are possible misconceptions about therapy that are preventing them from acting sooner?
Misconception #1: “Some stranger is going to tell me what to do.”
Therapy is not like school. An all-knowing therapist isn’t going to tell you what to do. The assumption that the therapist wants this kind of authority can set up understandable defensiveness and even a rebellious mindset before therapy has begun.
A good therapist has objectivity and the experience of being capable of making positive desired changes in your relationship. They act as a consultant would, seeing the problems you’re describing in the context of the hundreds of stories they’ve heard. They may connect present-day issues with your past, or notice behavior or communication patterns that are harder for you to notice.
It’s the same as a coach watching your golf swing, or a chef tasting food you’ve prepared. They offer insight into your behavior and suggest actionable changes.
Therapists consult. They don’t rule.
Ultimately, you decide if you want to take their advice.
Misconception #2: “Therapy costs too much, takes too much time, and is hard to find.”
These are common excuses. The truth is many therapists will work with you on the financial aspect of receiving support to make your marriage stronger and happier. While their time has a tangible cost, so does divorce.
To help you, it’s important to realize that there are a variety of ways therapist can work with a couple. There are brief therapy counselors who do shorter term work. There are also proactive therapists who take on clients because those couples are willing to work hard, and make positive changes in their relationship. You may have to look for these kinds of therapist, but they’re out there.
Start by searching the Gottman Referral Network.
Citing concerns about money, time, or availability can be a veil for a struggle with vulnerability.
My father-in-law used to joke, “People pay to talk to you?”
In many ways, his teasing revealed an important point.
Therapy is not all about the words being exchanged. It’s about creating a dynamic that is focused on you and what you want to change in your relationship. For couples, the role of the therapist is to provide compassion and support for both partners.
Couples therapy can feel vulnerable, because it is all about you. A good therapist earns your trust and provides safety for that very vulnerability. If you allow it.
Misconception #3: “I don’t want someone to know our business.”
There’s no getting around this one. At the root of this statement may lie a struggle with shame. If you’re $50,000 in debt, if you’ve got an addiction, if you were abused as a child, those are all things that are important for a therapist to know. Or the therapist can’t help.
A therapist is a professional, similar to an attorney, whose license depends on their practice of confidentiality. Not to mention, many therapist do what they do because they have had similar struggles and hardships and they know what it’s like to be alone in the messiness of life.
Problems, mistakes, and disappointments are difficult to reveal for everyone. Recognizing trauma for what it is, respecting, and letting go of shame is a huge part of therapeutic work.
It takes courage to reveal.
It takes trust to be vulnerable.
It takes humility to consider another perspective.
As a society, it’s time we changed our attitude about couples therapy.
Emergency Mobile Alert should work in areas with cell reception. About 97% of populated areas get cell reception, and work is being done by the mobile service operators to improve mobile coverage all the time.
The Nationwide Test of Emergency Mobile Alert is on 25 November between 6 and 7pm.
… View moreEmergency Mobile Alert should work in areas with cell reception. About 97% of populated areas get cell reception, and work is being done by the mobile service operators to improve mobile coverage all the time.
The Nationwide Test of Emergency Mobile Alert is on 25 November between 6 and 7pm.
www.civildefence.govt.nz...
In celebration of his three wins at this year’s VNZMA’s for Album of the Year, Best Solo Artist and Best Video, Marlon Williams has just added five new shows in addition to his performance with the Auckland Philharmonia Orchestra at Villa Maria Winery.
Where: Luna Estate
When: Saturday … View moreIn celebration of his three wins at this year’s VNZMA’s for Album of the Year, Best Solo Artist and Best Video, Marlon Williams has just added five new shows in addition to his performance with the Auckland Philharmonia Orchestra at Villa Maria Winery.
Where: Luna Estate
When: Saturday 23rd February 2018
Ticketmaster members pre-sale runs from 12.00pm NZ on Thursday 22nd November for 24 hours from www.ticketmaster.co.nz
General public tickets on sale 12.00pm NZ Friday 23rd November from www.ticketmaster.co.nz
It is the big one at the Max Motors Wellington Family Speedway! Friday night see the action unfold with full fields of Superstocks battling it out to make the final 26 cars. With the best of the best found, Saturday will be set to be night of big hits and some the best and fastest racing in the … View moreIt is the big one at the Max Motors Wellington Family Speedway! Friday night see the action unfold with full fields of Superstocks battling it out to make the final 26 cars. With the best of the best found, Saturday will be set to be night of big hits and some the best and fastest racing in the country.
When: Saturday 1st December 2018
Where: 1039a State Highway 2, Upper Hutt
Tickets available at the gate on the night or online events.ticketbooth.co.nz
Student/Senior discounts and family concessions are available again this year.
Adult: $20.00
Child: 10-16 y/o: $10.00
Child Under 10: FREE
Students & Seniors (With ID or Gold Card): $15.00
Family (2 adults & up to 4 children): $50.00
We have a clothesline head we have no need for now but thought someone might want it for scrap metal. Can be unbolted at joins for transport. Free to anyone who wants to dismantle and take it away. Photo attached.
Friendly reminder that NZ Civil Defence will be running their second test of the Emergency Mobile Alert (EMA) System between 6pm and 7pm on Sunday, November 25th.
Please spread the word so more people are aware, especially among older friends and family who may be less tech-savvy, that this is … View moreFriendly reminder that NZ Civil Defence will be running their second test of the Emergency Mobile Alert (EMA) System between 6pm and 7pm on Sunday, November 25th.
Please spread the word so more people are aware, especially among older friends and family who may be less tech-savvy, that this is simply a test and to not be alarmed when they receive the alert.
To learn more about EMA's and what to expect on the day, visit the link below.
Hi neighbours,
Vaping and the use of smokeless tobacco products could be banned from bars, restaurants, schools and workplaces in New Zealand, thanks to a Government proposal. Click here to read more about it.
Got an opinion on vaping? Take part in our poll below!
NZ Civil Defence will be running a nationwide test of the Emergency Mobile Alert system THIS Sunday 25 November between 6pm and 7pm.
You won't need to download or sign up to anything, simply keep your phone system updated and check the link below ? to see whether your phone is capable of … View moreNZ Civil Defence will be running a nationwide test of the Emergency Mobile Alert system THIS Sunday 25 November between 6pm and 7pm.
You won't need to download or sign up to anything, simply keep your phone system updated and check the link below ? to see whether your phone is capable of receiving the alerts.
Welcome the birds to your garden with this practical birdhouse project. Use Resene wood stains to help camouflage it into the trees or bold Resene testpot colours if you want to make it a colourful feature. Make the most of your weekend with this easy step by step project idea from Resene. Find out… View moreWelcome the birds to your garden with this practical birdhouse project. Use Resene wood stains to help camouflage it into the trees or bold Resene testpot colours if you want to make it a colourful feature. Make the most of your weekend with this easy step by step project idea from Resene. Find out how to create this handy project yourself
As well as offering a traditional service, our funeral home in Porirua is also available for green burials and cremations. We are an accredited Natural Burial company, supporting sustainable practices like eco-friendly embalming and tree planting on burial plots. We also use untreated caskets on … View moreAs well as offering a traditional service, our funeral home in Porirua is also available for green burials and cremations. We are an accredited Natural Burial company, supporting sustainable practices like eco-friendly embalming and tree planting on burial plots. We also use untreated caskets on request.
Celebrate a life lived with Ninness Funeral Home, one of the funeral homes Wellington, Porirua, Tawa and Kapiti Coast that families trust. Call us for personal service today.
17 Kenepuru Drive, Porirua
04 237 4174
11 Barton Road from 9am till 12 noon. Toys, clothes, homewares, books.
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