Mixed reaction to use of frozen milk in tea.

Stephen from Motueka

This was an item I read on newshub.co.nz a couple of days ago. It got me thinking that a little bit of satirical humour would (hopefully) be appreciated by my neighbours.

Woman shares simple trick to make a bottle of milk last longer during lockdown
“(O)ne Australian woman has shared a simple trick that allows a single bottle of milk to go much further and prevent wastage. Danielle Chapman says by pouring milk into ice cube trays or bags, you can simply pop one out into your hot coffee or tea as required.”
[Source: newshub.co.nz; accessed 2 Apr20]

We reached out to various groups to provide some New Zealand context to this breaking news from the land of the dingo, wombat and mean minded politicians. This is our report.

The Prime Minister emoted some of her inexhaustible empathy to tea drinkers but signaled that making ice in trays for gins & tonic is a more appropriate use of ice cube trays. “I hate to burst milk-with-tea tea drinkers bubbles, and I feel your pain, but frozen milk in tea is not the sort of thing my colleagues and I can tolerate. It is just not us”, she said, before zooming off to another meeting.

The Director General of Health offered a personal view that using frozen cubes of milk in tea is “both an abomination and a waste of resources”. He has asked the police to consider banning the use of frozen milk in tea and is considering an educational programme aimed at getting citizens to consume more gin and tonic with ice, made in trays. “This will lessen the supply of receptacles for freezing milk and thus stamp out what could become an epidemic of bad tasting tea if allowed to spread in the community”, he suggested.

The Leader of the Opposition was naturally opposed to everything but said that gin, tonic, tea, milk, coffee and Chinese fridge manufacturers were feeling financial pain at present and urged the government to provide generous subsidies to those industries. “This would have a number of benefits,” he said. “It would enable employers to keep paying minimum wages to their workers while ensuring supply met the market at prices that provided a reasonable profit. This will help reduce incidences of understandable price gouging which places an unfair end-year tax burden on the most important people in our society. Those who vote for my party.”

We also reached out to the independent MP for Botany. “There is clear evidence that this is a story created by the Chinese fridge industry and the National Party to destroy a New Zealand way of life, unfrozen milk in tea”, the MP said. Unfortunately his tape recorder started playing up at that stage and his following comments were too garbled to understand.

The Green Party is reportedly appalled at the idea of frozen milk in tea. Its law and order spokesperson stated that people who advocate this sort of thing must really be stoned. In response, the leader of the ACT Party called his caucus together and said that he was in “almost unanimous agreement with himself” that if the Greens were advocating people should really be stoned to the point of death then “checks and balances needed to be in place to ensure this was done voluntarily.” One of the heads at NORML agreed somewhat with ACT. “I especially like the idea of being stoned voluntarily, but we need to draw the line at the death bit. That really is one toke over the line,” he exhaled.

An anonymous source advised that Federated Farmers (Dairy Division) has begun lobbying the government to provide a free in-milk cow to all citizens, one per bubble. This will also help spread Herd Immunity & Virus Eradication Syndrome (HIVES) throughout the country. This suggestion received strong support from the Association of Honey Producers. "The more hives there are in the country the better, I reckon. We would definitely be for that", one beekeeper said.

A spokesperson for a vegan collective, the Vegetables and Grains Union of Employees (VAGUE), is calling for Almond, Legume and Melon Supplements (ALMS) to be distributed to everyone as a replacement for milk. “Our members all work voluntarily and without pay”, she said, “and this will provide them with continuity of employment while giving all cows a bit of a break from the twice daily grind of milk tithing.”

Finally, the Minister of Health has offered to deliver pre-melted ice by mountain bike to people lacking freezer space. He has assured the Prime Minister that he is well known as a bit of a tosser and will keep a two metre throwing distance away from any bubble during delivery runs. “I can assure the people of New Zealand that because of my organisational skills, this will be like a walk in the park for me, and I sincerely make no apology for that,” was his concluding remark.