Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner’s Feelings
Empathy is the willingness to feel with your partner. To understand their inner world.
This critical skill is part of Dr. Gottman’s State of the Union Meeting and is key to reaching resolution in conflict conversations. During conflict is also when empathy is most difficult. To empathize with your partner when their hurt feelings are a result of something you said or did without defending yourself requires skill and practice.
Couples that have mastered empathy tell me “it’s like a light switch has been turned on in their relationship” and their cycles of conflict drastically change. This is because partners stop defending their positions and instead seek to understand each other. They become a team against the conflict.
Stop trying to fix your partner
Empathy is easy when our partner is happy. It’s more difficult to empathize when our partner is hurting, angry, or sad. As Marshall Rosenberg says in Nonviolent Communication, “It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.” Since we care about them, we try to help minimize their feelings because we know that they are difficult, but sympathizing can be damaging despite positive intentions.
Empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of the person you love. Sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity without experiencing their feelings with them. Brené Brown’s description of sympathy as trying to paint a silver-lining around pain is a very common response.
“Well, it could be worse…”
“I think you should…”
“This could turn into a positive experience for you if you just…”
The problem with this kind of response is that it invalidates the other person. I know when others have tried to “fix” my feelings, I’ve ended up resenting them because it made me feel foolish for feeling that way in the first place.
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Poll: Are Kiwis allergic to “exuberance”? 🥝
In The Post’s opinion piece on the developments set to open across Aotearoa in 2026, John Coop suggests that, as a nation, we’re “allergic to exuberance.”
We want to know: Are we really allergic to showing our excitement?
Is it time to lean into a more optimistic view of the place we call home? As big projects take shape and new opportunities emerge, perhaps it’s worth asking whether a little more confidence (and enthusiasm!) could do us some good.
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41.2% Yes
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32.8% Maybe?
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26% No
Brain Teaser of the Day 🧠✨ Can You Solve It? 🤔💬
How many balls of string does it take to reach the moon?
(Peter from Carterton kindly provided this head-scratcher ... thanks, Peter!)
Do you think you know the answer? Simply 'Like' this post and we'll post the answer in the comments below at 2pm on the day!
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Womans Refuge
Hi neighbours,Xmas is fast approaching an this year i decided to get behind an Donate this years gifting to Womans Refuge.My daughter an I have both experienced the safety an goodness they do,time to pay it forward.We have already donated 2big washing baskets of brand new toys an now doing xmas food boxes.The giving Hearts of all who donated thru out 2025,May your Xmas be bright an Merry an Thank you all.Up until this coming Thursday the Pataka will still be open if you wish to donate food to Womens Refuge.Unwanted gifts are also being gifted.Again Neighbours.Thank you all so much an catch up 2026.
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