Well-timed repair attempts are key to success
When you're in a heated argument with your partner, you might feel like you're ready to burst with frustration. But then your partner cracks an inside joke that makes you smile and laugh.
Suddenly you're not as frustrated. Boom, tension defused.
This is a classic "repair attempt" that we encourage couples to use regularly, and humour is one of the most common repairs that couples use when experiencing conflict.
In What Makes Love Last, Dr John Gottman claims that "well-timed repairs are part of the dance between two people who know and trust each other."
Here are some repair attempts that you can use if you are in a conflict with your partner and need an effective way to defuse tension:
Ask your partner, "What do you need?"
Express affection, physically or verbally.
Use humour (but avoid any humour that seems sarcastic or critical)
Take responsibility when appropriate
Understand by expressing empathy
Reinforce "we-ness" by complimenting your relationship overall
Using these kinds of repair attempts will shut down many confrontations and train you to be more aware of each other's needs. They aren't a quick fix to recurring problems, but repair attempts can prevent negative behaviour and feelings from overwhelming a relationship.
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